To You All, On Mother's Day...

My son and I in our matching green glasses

Ah yes, Mother’s Day. The day we are all supposed to pretend like homemade cards, hugs, and smiles will make up for the other 364 days when we are literally pulling our hair out. I know I’m breaking the unwritten rule of not acting like motherhood is the ‘greatest gift ever’ today, but I have to be honest. Mother’s Day is usually one of the hardest holidays for me. It makes me incredibly sad and frustrated. I have to fight to give good face when I really want to tell everyone to fuck off and leave me alone because right now, I’m in the trenches of motherhood and this shit is a fight everyday.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love my son immensely, but I am a single mother and it pisses me off. I don’t regret having my son, but sometimes I wish it was with someone else. I get so tired of having to mastermind how I will provide for my child every month without any regular financial assistance from his father (just to lighten the load a bit). This is not a 'bash him' fest, this is simply what this day reminds me of. Mother’s day reminds me of what a struggle parenting can be.  I’m a mom who can’t stand Mother’s Day and that’s really fucked up.

My amazingly supportive sister and son at my Graduation (2011)

Now I understand how terrible this may sound, but there are certain things I really miss that I won’t be able to do or have again until my child is much older. I miss being able to just hop on a plane and travel at the drop of dime. I miss being able to come and go wherever I want, whenever I want. I hate not having the time or resources to do certain basic things for myself and I get tired of spending countless hours doing homework with a child who never turns it in. These things may seem trivial but they are the kind of things that over years can wear on you.

So to those of you Mother’s out there [single or married] who may be going through similar emotions on Mother's Day about being a mother (but it's taboo to speak about without being made to feel like a horrible person). I understand. Sometimes you don’t feel like smiling, sometimes your children can take you to a place that makes you not want to be a mom, but you still do what you have to. You still give love, show support, and take care of all of their needs with or without assistance because that’s what being a mom is. It’s the one job you never have the luxury of quitting and that is why we commend each other. That is why we support one another and that is why we celebrate.

This day isn’t just rough on us though. It can be rough for others as well. To the women who may have miscarried or lost a child, I know this day is hard for you, but Happy Mother’s Day. To the women who have never given birth, but have helped raise someone else’s child, you too are a mother, and have dealt with the same crap, so Happy Mother’s Day to you. To the aunts and godmothers who are always there when we are at the brink of sanity with our children, THANK YOU and Happy Mother’s Day.  To the sibling who was forced to raise younger brothers and sisters because of circumstance, Happy Mother’s day to you as well. I wish you ALL a HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY because you know how grueling this job can be and none of you should feel like your efforts were ever in vain on this day. 

Today, I think of you all.

To Sharita, with Love... An Open Letter

Commercial Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lHlGT-KT-p0

 

This letter is in response to Sharita Wilson who appeared in the ‘Minimum Wage’ commercial endorsing Rahm Emanuel for mayor of Chicago and responded to me directly via Facebook.

Dearest Sharita,

Sister, know that when I write these words, they come from a place of love and the fact that we are more alike than you may know…

I do not think I am any better than you. I do not judge you or make assumptions about who you might be as a person or mother, but in some areas, and being 6 years your senior, I may have more life experience and can speak to some things you might not yet fully understand. It is not my intent to disrespect or demean you, but I am a straight shooter. That being said, you were used…

 I'm not proud of it but I’ve been used before, so I know it when I see it, in spite of whether or not a check is attached. You are a single mother and you do need help, support, opportunities and blessings to come your way. Having done commercials in the past myself, I can understand how this is helping you through this time financially. Trust and believe a ‘hater’ I am not. You see, I’m actually that chic silently cheering you on in spite of what the snakes hissing in your ears might otherwise have you think. I WANT you to win. I want your children to be provided for. I want you to have more than just the bare minimum. Just like I want that for the majority of my people (self included).

This is because I KNOW the hell of being a single mother. I know the pain and frustration of being rejected by a man you had a child with. I know the constantly being looked down upon and judged. I too, know those feelings. I worked two minimum wage jobs for YEARS while carrying a full-time class schedule. That was BEFORE it even got to $8.25 so I KNOW how you feel. I still had to be mom and in many cases did it without a car. I never got a penny of child support and there were many times I had to choose between buying pampers or putting gas in the car when I finally did get one. I was broke, frustrated, and dead tired all the time. So I don’t have to know you personally to know that you too want the same sense of stability. I know how bad you want out of that daily struggle. So I understand why you may have jumped at the opportunity to do the commercial. Now let me explain myself to you:

My words exactly were:

“Dear Whomever is in charge of the ‘get black women behind Rahm’ marketing campaign. You are failing.

Yours,

A Black Woman”

Let’s address this for a second:

Although I used the picture with your image, the comment was directed at the multiple commercials rallying support for Rahm Emanuel by using black women thinking that it will make the rest of us in some way ‘identify’ and garner our votes (hardly so). That’s it, That’s all. So as far as that comment goes, I implore that you climb up out of your feelings because it wasn’t even directed towards you.

Now let’s talk about YOUR commercial 

Whether you like it or not, I am my sister’s keeper and if I critique or criticize anyone please understand its only out of the desire to see you in a better light. Now, as I stated before, I’ve done commercials, I have a friend who has as well. So that being said, we all know there is this magical thing called ‘editing’. Rahm’s marketing team DECIDED to portray you a certain way whether you fully grasp that or not. That is why so many of OUR people had issue with the commercial.

1.     They played on the fact that you were speaking from a very limited understanding of the actual politics and agendas on the table (and we know this by the things YOU said-it wasn’t scripted). You professed how much $13/hr would help improve your life financially, but the truth is, it will not. First of all, it won’t even become a reality for a couple of years and by then (the way THIS city is set up) you will still be just as broke because of inflation and city taxes. Let’s not even talk about the fact that you will no longer be eligible for certain benefits and fall between the cracks of ‘make too much to get help, barely make enough to survive”.

2.      They didn’t say ‘cut’ and explain how it works to you fully. They allowed you to speak on it in a misinformed manner and it made you look ignorant. They didn’t even say ‘wait, let’s redo that’ when they could have. That is what bothered many of us. They PURPOSEFULLY allowed you to look ignorant and that angered me. Not you… but how you were used.

3.     They made sure to emphasize that you were a single mother living below the poverty line (which translates as needing government assistance). While there is nothing wrong with people needing help every now and then, it would have been more appropriate to have a white woman reflect that as they lead the nation in recipients on welfare. Once again… this was why it came off as suspect because the underlying implication of that commercial is ‘young black women in Chicago have babies out of wedlock and need government intervention and Rahm will be the one to help”…which is the purest of fuckery because he could care less about poor black people. He just happens to need our votes right now.

4.     Lastly… once again, good ol’ editing. You could have been expounding on being in school or wanting to go, your children’s college education, being able to buy a home, have a career with salary or whatever. We don’t know if you did and that didn’t make the cut, but what we do know is that it seemed like the only priority of this young woman was to buy presents. This reinforces the stereotypes of us that all we care about is material things; immediate gratification by buying stuff and not knowing how to manage our money. I’m not even sure if you are cognizant of the historical perception of us dating back to slavery that is the ‘dependency on massuh’ versus us being able to hold our own. A lot of this is why so many people ‘felt some type of way’.

Like I said before, it really isn’t YOU (personally) that has people in an uproar. Sorry to disappoint, but you don’t have as many ‘haters’ as you might think (and that’s a good thing). It’s about the implications and underlying agendas that are being pushed and the people being manipulated to push them. Just the fact that there is another commercial with Chancellor Hyman endorsing Emanuel is unethical on numerous levels, but once again, I don’t expect you to understand how big this really is and that you are simply a pawn.

I am no where near where I want to be, but I am also very far from where I used to be. Little Sis, please hear me. I see where you are at and I know you are not who you used to be. I know that the woman who once appeared on Maury is not the same woman wanting to walk in her purpose today.  I ask that you continue to better yourself in every way, shape, and form. Educate yourself on the issues and politics that you are now a part of. Yes, you were right, people will always have something to say about you when you succeed at anything. Sometimes it will feel good and sometimes it will sting. Pay more attention to the words that sting because therein lies small truths. Let this entire experience make you Better, Not Bitter.

Toughly Loving YOU,

Neffer-Oduntunde A. Kerr

“Boom”

*During my brief post-grad time at DePaul University I was not connected to ANY groups or organizations on the campus. While at Chicago State University I did serve as Student Board of Trustees Representative/SGA 2010-2011

An Open Letter to my Sorors: Why VH1's "Sorority Sisters" is Unacceptable!

Dearest Sorors,

 Many of you are already aware of the upcoming reality show “Sorority Sisters” that will premier next week. Considering the history of black reality shows on VH1, I am not interested in giving this show a chance to tarnish the legacy of our Founders, nor the good work being done daily within this organization.  Having a soror on a reality show, where the basis of the show is set up to amplify negative rivalries (and antiquated stereotypes of Black Greek Lettered Organizations) does nothing positive for Zeta Phi Beta Sorority, Incorporated.

When I initially became a member of this organization, the first (and most important) lesson that I was taught was that I was now a part of something larger than just myself.  Which meant I no longer only represented myself. Anything in regards to my advertising of the organization; wearing my letters, participating in service projects, attending events or even simply telling someone that I was a Zeta came with a certain level of accountability.

It was always to be considered that my words, actions, and interactions could be a positive or negative reflection of Zeta. I understood that it was my responsibility to be cognizant of this and not bring any disgrace upon the organization to which I now belonged. This should be the uncompromising standard in regards to anyone wishing to publicly advertise affiliation with our organization (especially on a television show).

There are some who wish to justify this blatant disrespect by arguing that another Soror (Syleena Johnson) was on a reality show as well, so why not give the “Sorority Sisters” show a chance? Well Soror Johnson is a singer, and the show was about her life and career as a singer (not her life as a Zeta). The show was not premised around her affiliation with Zeta Phi Beta Sorority, Inc. and herein lies the problem with “Sorority Sisters”:

If this Soror was simply just on a regular reality show being herself, then I wouldn’t be writing this letter. On this show, this particular Soror is “The Zeta” (or living caricature of what the producers think a Zeta woman should be). Because of that, inadvertently she becomes the ‘face’ of Zeta that will be portrayed nationally and that does not sit well with many of us. I do not know her; she could be a very good person. However, the network hosting the television show (VH1) is notorious for propagating reality shows that result in black women being represented in the worst light.  So this gives me great concern. Although the show’s producer is a black woman (Mona Scott-Harris), she clearly is not interested in the grievances expressed, nor the countless petitions signed when it was first discovered that she was going to do this show.

I do not know how our elders will choose to respond but I implore that something be done. We may not be able to tell someone they cannot do a show, but can it not be mandated that our organization’s name, shield, likeness, and paraphernalia not be authorized for use in connection to this show? Large companies demand it all the time (i.e. why no logo’s or emblems are seen on movies and shows unless the show is paying to advertise it). What would have to be done so that the perception of our organization does not rest on the shoulders of one person whose integrity and character will be predictably compromised and provoked for the sake of television ratings?

I cannot speak for any of the other divine nine organizations being represented in this farce of a show, but as a member of this community-conscious, action-oriented organization I cannot remain silent. This show is not only detrimental to the reputation of our organization, but also that of the women in our community as well. So at the very least, let us not dignify this. Let us not watch, not feed the ratings and allow it to die on its own.

 Sisterly,

Neffer-Oduntunde A. Kerr

Zeta Phi Beta Sorority, Inc.

Tau Psi Zeta

'The 'Selfie' Syndrome'

‘The 'Selfie' Syndrome’

 So recently, there was this big debate about the psychological ramifications of people who indulge (or overindulge) in the act of taking---and posting--- ‘selfies’.

When it comes to Social Media, there is a gamut of ‘disorders’ one could diagnose many online offenders with. Since we are so quick to coin new terms when it comes to ‘disorders’ (real or fictional) here are a few I have encountered:

1) Internet ‘thugs’ with their “Online Courage Disorder”. This disorder seems to magically delude individuals sitting behind computer screens into thinking they have grown a pair of balls. Saying things they could never do if the person were standing in their face. This by far is one of more severe disorders in the DSM-IV-OF (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders of Online Fuckery).

2) Or how about the “Foodpornophiles” who can’t seem to eat so much as a potato chip without posting it for the world to see. We get it, you like food. That’s cool, but it also comes across as you being basic and showing us all that you have never been anywhere nice until now (since we’re pointing out online disorders).

3) Maybe we should seek to help the masses (you know who you are) suffering from the epidemic of chronic “Glued to my Phone Syndrome”. These poor drones can’t even enjoy a party or evening out with their friends (as they are compelled to sit in silence next to one another tweeting about how much “fun” they are all having…. I can’t tell).

The above mentioned, along with other soon-to-be invented online ‘disorders’, can be attributed to the over usage of social media. So with all the online ‘disorders’ out there, I don’t quite understand why the attack on ‘selfies’.

Some would say that those who constantly post ‘selfies’ do it for attention (or likes). That they are insecure and looking for the approval of others while deep down inside having little self-esteem and self worth. 

Well I say HOGWASH! 

There will ALWAYS be people who do things for that kind of attention (i.e. the naked bathroom thirst trap ‘selfie’), but those are also the same people who do that kind of stuff in REAL life as well. To say that the ‘selfie’ is a direct reflection of that need for attention is complete and utter foolishness. Those people already had underlying issues with their esteem and self worth before they even downloaded that Instagram app! 

Do I like ‘Selfies’? Hell yeah! How else am I to capture my awesomeness and share it with the world through the perfect filter *insert pseudo-sarcastic tone*. But seriously, when I post a ‘selfie’ I’m expressing how I may be feeling in that moment. It’s not my fault I’m amazing and adorable (or as my friend Nikki would say ‘everybody loves me, and nobodies hate me’).

I wonder if certain selfie-haters take into consideration that some people get lots of likes because people actually know them in real life, they are good friends, and help or inspire others to live better lives.

  

Personally, I think that there are more insecure and unhappy selfie-hating people in the world than those who are happy. I believe these Miserable Minions have simply banded together under the “Attack the Selfie Crew” Act. When it comes to people saying that ‘selfies’ are bad, I will always argue the opposite. I would question why it is viewed as a form of ‘self hate’ opposed to ‘self love’. I would challenge the selfie-hater to identify why someone else taking pictures of themselves would make them so vehemently uncomfortable (I mean c’mon, just keep scrolling or unfollow).

The Fact is, in this digital age, people prefer pictures. Pictures say more than words. They are expressive and mean different things to those to post as well as view them. Let’s consider that before we decide to give someone a complex based off of our own experiences and interpretations. You just might be wrong.

Why I HATE Natural Hair Classifications

 I have been 'natural' (no relaxer or perm) for almost 2 years now.  At times I wasn't sure how to adjust, so when in doubt, I did what everyone else does. I consulted the internet oracle to find out how I should proceed in managing my mane. Thankfully, I learned a great deal of useful advice on youtube and Instagram (from naturalistas like @eclarke6, @themanechoice, @chicandcoily, and @msrobin_nella). In my research, I also noticed something that did not sit well with me AT ALL.

I noticed there was this word I didn't understand, but natural women were using it to describe their tresses. So after googling 'hair typing' I learned that it is basically a classification of one's hair type on a scale of 'fine to coarse' (or coily to kinky). Now most people see no issue with this, but to me, it immediately appeared to be a cultural red flag. Upon further investigation (and to my dismay) I started finding fb groups and different blogs of black women celebrating (or blaspheming) which classification they fell into *School Daze 'good hair/bad hair' plays in the background*. They were comparing themselves to one another, some swooning over one particular type, others implying one was worse than another. It was sickening.

Many naturalistas are quick to berate or look down on a woman with a relaxer (which I am against). Some even brag about how proud they are of their afros and and the things they can do with it. Which is all fine and good, but how is 'strand/texture/whatever' classification any different than the good old fashion 'good hair versus bad hair' school of thought? It isn't. Hair typing is the new age 'good hair/ bad hair' complex and just because you only limit the classification within your own ethnic group does not make it any less heinous and damaging (especially to little girls who may have to be subjected to this nonsense by 'texture obsessed' mothers).

There will always be someone who has something you want and you will always have something someone else wants. As far as hair goes, there are cancer patients and people living with alopecia who would kill for ANY type of hair (regardless of its classification) because the truth is, as long as your hair is healthy, it is the right type.

I refuse to play a part in propagating this divisive foolishness. I refuse to follow, post or join any of these online groups that use 'hair typing' as a platform. Hell, I even refuse to bother looking into what 'type' I fall under and I damn sure wouldn't do that to a daughter or niece. It is culturally counter productive and that is why I hate natural hair classifications.